not gay enough

Some years back, I was in a new city I went to a popular homo bar I'd read about in the Damron Guidebook on a slow Sunday afternoon looking to meet some "family". Without being asked I got told pointedly that "I hope you know what kind of bar this is. You can leave now if you want to. If this kind of place doesn't bother you then buy a drink and shut up." All this said without me getting a chance to speak one way or another by a flaming little gym queen who brought me my beer (bottled -didn't even offer me a glass) then made a point of walking away to talk with the only other three or four folks at the bar, occasionally scowling over in my direction but otherwise ignoring me. Screw 'em if they can't take a joke, I thought and so I left after drinking my beer.

Another time, there was this bar in a VERY secluded location, called the "Barking Spider" You had to search for a tiny sign several miles from the bar just after a turnoff near a highway exit. Then you drive a few miles till you found the place. The bar was in an old VFW Post hall, set back from the road aways and otherwise unmarked. You HAD to know what kind of bar it was to even stop at the place. I went in, and got carded, questioned at the door and told there was a cover charge before I was allowed to go into the place. Several other obvious effeminate types, and some little preppy boys were admitted without paying the cover. The bouncer obviously knew the boys entering, greeting each of them by name. I did stay, actually had a pretty good time once I got in (they also had a spread of food and good music) but I never went back.

Yet another time, I drove all over creation trying to find another in-the-middle-of-nowhere place someone at a pickle park told me about. This place was sort in the middle of a wildreness area not far from hunting and camping trails.

At the front door a BIG heavy set queen (he had a lisp and lilt in his voice down pat) stopped me, his ample frame blocking any entry into the place. [actually, had he just stood there silent I would have though he was kind of hot looking].

Our conversation went something like this:

"Are you aware this is a GAY BAR honey?"

"No. I just drove all over hell and back and decided to stop here since I saw cars parked." Hesitate then "Of COURSE I know its' a gay bar. You guys don't even advertise and there's no sign out front. Somebody has to tell you about the place don't they?"

A roll of the eyes and a pout before, "Well, don't get angry dear. We're just protecting the customers." Then, "Since you have no problem with that are you aware we have a cover charge of $5 tonight?"

"No I wasn't. You got a buffet then?"

"Oh no honey..." (the guy is now giving me a SERIOUS once twice over check out with his eyes) "...but there's beer nuts and pretzels at the bar"

"Then you must have a band coming in, eh?"

A coy grin again before "...no, but we will be playing disco when the dj arrives ..."

Then that coy look again, a smile, a blatent stare at my crotch and "...won't you come in for the cover fee?"

"Fuck no! For what?" The queenly bouncer shrugged, turned around and walked back in. I went home and beat off to porno mag pictures.

I did go back to this last place another time. The bouncer wasn't there and there was no cover charge. I found out it was run by a couple of real nice dykes who were a bit overprotective for their clientele. The place made me uncomfortable, not cuz it was a gay bar, but cuz I'm not one that does well in bars in general. Over time I met a few real hot charcters there. Eventually that bar closed as well. I'm certain that the lack of publicity and the overprotectiveness contributed to their demise.

As for "not looking the part" -I often have people get all whacked when they find out I like tube steak over beaver. Don't understand this at all. Once I told a woman at work (who was coming on to me politely) that I was not only gay but that I had regular steady chum and she blew her coffee out in shock. "you should have warned me" she said apologetically. After that we hit it off just fine.

And, recently, a man and woman who live down the road from me and the guy I've been living with for almost eight years, asked their neighbors why I was living with him since he was "quite evidently gay" but they couldn't figure me to be "that way" at all.

Baffling ain't it?

Curiously, in my lifetime, some of the most outrageously feminine men I've known have been heterosexual, and at least one was mortified to find out that many guys he worked with assumed he was gay (I had to be the one to tell him. I was new to town and asked my co-workers how I could meet some gay guys in the region and they thought he would know. He didn't.)

But all of this I mention cuz' to me it provides yet another reason for those of us who "don't look the part" to be out and open about it so non-bent folks get accustomed to the fact that we are here as well.

Until then, I suppose I'll have to still hear folks look at me with surprise sometimes and tell me "...but you don't LOOK gay.." However, I'll STILL wonder 'what the hell is THAT supposed to mean?'